This Is Jack. . . . My Sister Boyfriend. And My Buddy. :)

Mood: Tired
Song: My Baby by Pearl Jam
Book: Storm of Visions

Hungry Wrds

Dear, Tru

Hello to you, you handsome beast you. I am still on break but the time is fast approaching. Trepidation and curiosity. Aren't those such nice big words? So scary and consuming. They are hungry words. You can feel them way down deep. Words that can just swallow you up. A kind of excitement just speeds your blood and makes you shake. A craving for things you cannot define. An unknown world of the most fascinating things. Whispers just seem to find there way in to your ears. On one side of the looking glass a world of cold darkness awaits to envelop you in its depths and on the other a world of warm rainbows dances before your tear stained eyes. A sense of foreboding mixed with butterfly wings makes your tummy tingle. You can choose but you must understand neither is as they seem. There is no absolute good or absolute evil. Both have certain aspects of the other but what you seek and what you find may not be the same. First you must truly understand what you want. What is it you want my dearest Tru? What makes your soul scream that haunting scream I hear so deep inside you?

Mood: thoughtful
Song: White Rabbit by Egypt Central
Book: in between

Christmas. . . . .

Dear, Tru
 So I'm watching Ice Age: 3. We had X-Mas yesterday. I hate holidays. They always get me stuff I don't like or really want. Mother got me a pink and a blue nail polish. I usually only wear black. She got me blue and green basket thingies I'm almost sure Ill never use. My two colors I hate are blue and brown. :( I don't have a favorite color. They're all the same except those two. She got me two kinds of eyeliner one I don't like because it runs super horrible and its the little cheapo kind that I have like a million of. The other kind is what I told her when she asked what I wanted. I don't really want anything except books. I LOVE BOOKS. They are my favorite thing. That's is the only thing I have ever really asked for. Mother wanted to feel good about her self and buy her kids presents. I have tried to explain my feelings on the subject to her but she doesn't care. And Bob got me this computer. I definitely didn't want anything from him but mother was all like ask him for something expensive. He always gets them cool things and he keeps forgetting my birthdays and such but honestly. . . .well. . . . actually hurts a lot to have it thrown in your face every year just how much he loves them more than me but i don't care. I don't want fake gifts with hidden agendas just to make them feel better about them selves. They just rub my nose in all there "generosity". I can't wait to be done with these people. My sister got me some good gifts but now she is making me get her gifts. I had planned on going to the mall and letting her pick out something awesome from Spencers but it stings that the choice was taken from me. That she is making me do it out of guilt. Now I hope you like a shopping spree at the Dollar store. Mwahahahahaha! No, I couldn't do that but I wish I could. My mom would get all mad. She has a painfully obvious control disorder. She controls everything. I would hate to be so far up everyone's butt that she knows everything. Or at least she thinks so. She says she always tells the truth but that is the biggest lie she tells us. I hate how much she cares about what other people think. "Its all about presentation, honey" God those words couldn't make me more mad! Sometimes she reminds me of the villain from Tangled. "Now I'm the bad guy." My mother also got me a pair of matching BLUE gloves with scarf, the kind of candy I don't like, granny panties, socks, and a black hat she got both me and my sister. No lilies. . . . . again. I hate the holidays. . . </3
                                                             Love,
                                                               Painfully Confussed
Mood: Dissapionted
Song: Santa's Pissed by Motionless In White
Book: Staked

My Friend Jack Put This On My Wall. :)

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=8202636&blogID=457358097

Relationships

Dear, Tru
Its about 8:30 at night. I left Bob's house. I am at my grand parents house in Springdale.He makes me so sad. Another of his relationships has fallen through. He has been married a ridiculous amount of times. But that's everyone in my  family. My mother and my sisters father have been married 5 times each. My uncle has been 3 and even my grand father was married twice. I hold no value in relationships. I never plan on marrying. If they love me enough to want to marry me for forever then they should be able to do that without that stupid piece of paper that people put so much value in. Okay not people but women mostly. Obviously neither parts puts enough value in it that they would actually keep their promises. God every time I go to another one I laugh a little more inside. And the worst part is most the time these people actually believe what there saying. They think they will love that person next to them for the rest of there lives. I can barely commit to a cell phone plan for two years let alone forever. God that is just such an unimaginable amount of time that people just over use like some pretty whore you dress up to make you feel like your in a relationship. It looks nice and even sounds right but its not what you think its going to be. Its not real. Its just dirty. And I hate roses. They are the whore flower. Everyone uses them for everything.I hate them. I absolutely love white lilies. They are my favorite flowers but no one has ever gotten them for me.  :( Once my grand father wins the lottery i will by tons of them. All over my room.

Some Junk

Dear, Tru
Well good morning beautiful! Yes i realize it's 2 in the afternoon but I'm a bit of a night owl. It is now winter break so no school. I can wake up when ever I want! Now I just moved into my new house. I wont say where because this is the internet and you never know when some creeper in the corner with pimples, 60s porno mustache, a back problem that makes him sit all crouched over the computer, reseeding black hair line, and breathes all hard as he looks through his super thick glasses at the computer screen will randomly happen upon my blog and feel the need to find me and kill because i remind him of some girl he liked in high school but she hated him because he likes to stomp puppies in his free time. Not that I'm paranoid or have watched way to many scary movies or anything but one can never be to careful. Any who I was talking about my move. I can tell you I moved from Oklahoma a year ago and now I moved again. I'm still in the same state just a different city. My old school had some great people there. My school after that didn't have such great memories. Like that was the first place I got called a whore by a guys fiancée. I had never met her and I was new in town. He was nice but not a very pretty man not ugly just not pretty and very country. I hate country music but he was nice and he kept making me feel all pretty and such. i had actually told him no when he asked me out but he was still nice and such so i agreed to go to a movie but the weekend before i went to the mall with some friends I had just recently met and one of the girls had know him since 5th grade. She texted him to ask what he thought of me because I told her he asked me out and she had never liked him. His fiancée answered and said I was a slut and such. Trust me that really freaked me out! Of course I put on a brave face and pretended it was just so funny but inside it really hurt. She didn't even know me. How could she say such things about a stranger? And I have horribly low self esteem as it is and this kinda through me over the bridge. I am from a small town in Oklahoma. Very small. I had maybe 200 in my entire high school. My new school had 1000 in there graduating class. And it had a lot of  African American (A.A.) almost 90% of them. Also a lot of Latino. And there were like 10 Asian people Smiles. And I love weird stuff. It just draws me. I love Asian eyes. I love long hair and make up. I am bisexual by the way so when I say such things I mean on both men and women. I love accents. I love big lips. And just so many things I cant name off the top of my head but there are so beautiful! I would date a strange secretive shadowy person before a normal depth-less jock. I love trying to understand someones thought process and thats why i love blogs. A person just dumps the whole truth into the keyboard for everyone to read. I want to get lost in someones inter most thoughts that are so different from mine. Wow i kinda ran around with my writing but maybe it will be more structured later. I'm only a junior in high school after all. :)
                                                      Love,
                                                          Painfully Comfussed
Mood: Estranged
Song of the day: I'm not a Vampire by Falling in Reverse.

Book: "The Big Blue Book"

Trying something new. Introduction.

 Dear, Tru
Now I think I'm going to try something different. This is going to be a real blog now. I read a random blog because I was looking for a photo for my background and it was attached to it and it just inspired me to let it flow. Before now I just put some of my um. . . I guess you could call them poems? It was just wrote some things that sounded good in my head. I know have a laptop I got for my birthday/Christmas from my sisters dad (I'm sure ill have whole little rant about him later) and I used to have a diary type thing but that's so old school right? Plus every time I left home and kept my old one there I feel like I was going to have a panic attack because I'll think my mom will find it and read it so I'm done with all that jazz. Now I'm totally computerized even though I'm severely technologically challenged. Oh and just so you know I have a large vocabulary but am in short supply of spelling talents so you may be guessing at what half my words are, even spell check is like "Dude are you retarded or just drooling on the keyboard?", thank god for Dictionary.com or you'd think i was speaking another language. Anyway you should also know I kinda get off topic easily but that's everyone these days. Some say distracted others demented but who's to judge right? I have no subscribers and I don't really plan on having any any time soon, but I mean if you like it don't feel shy I like to know I'm not alone in my thinking, anyway this is kinda just for me to go back and look at myself and try to you know understand some of the goings on inside my head. Also i have like the worst memory in the planet so it just helps me to be reminded of whats happened to make this screwed up teenager into the future mindless drone we all know I will be. These are addressed to Tru. Hes is a mystery maybe I will complain about later to shed so light on the subject but for now think of him as that sexy stranger in the shadows with a good heart and a butt load of issues you know deep down you want to help with!!! Tata for now my love.


                                                  Love,
                                                         Painfully Confussed