This Is Jack. . . . My Sister Boyfriend. And My Buddy. :)

Mood: Tired
Song: My Baby by Pearl Jam
Book: Storm of Visions

Hungry Wrds

Dear, Tru

Hello to you, you handsome beast you. I am still on break but the time is fast approaching. Trepidation and curiosity. Aren't those such nice big words? So scary and consuming. They are hungry words. You can feel them way down deep. Words that can just swallow you up. A kind of excitement just speeds your blood and makes you shake. A craving for things you cannot define. An unknown world of the most fascinating things. Whispers just seem to find there way in to your ears. On one side of the looking glass a world of cold darkness awaits to envelop you in its depths and on the other a world of warm rainbows dances before your tear stained eyes. A sense of foreboding mixed with butterfly wings makes your tummy tingle. You can choose but you must understand neither is as they seem. There is no absolute good or absolute evil. Both have certain aspects of the other but what you seek and what you find may not be the same. First you must truly understand what you want. What is it you want my dearest Tru? What makes your soul scream that haunting scream I hear so deep inside you?

Mood: thoughtful
Song: White Rabbit by Egypt Central
Book: in between

Christmas. . . . .

Dear, Tru
 So I'm watching Ice Age: 3. We had X-Mas yesterday. I hate holidays. They always get me stuff I don't like or really want. Mother got me a pink and a blue nail polish. I usually only wear black. She got me blue and green basket thingies I'm almost sure Ill never use. My two colors I hate are blue and brown. :( I don't have a favorite color. They're all the same except those two. She got me two kinds of eyeliner one I don't like because it runs super horrible and its the little cheapo kind that I have like a million of. The other kind is what I told her when she asked what I wanted. I don't really want anything except books. I LOVE BOOKS. They are my favorite thing. That's is the only thing I have ever really asked for. Mother wanted to feel good about her self and buy her kids presents. I have tried to explain my feelings on the subject to her but she doesn't care. And Bob got me this computer. I definitely didn't want anything from him but mother was all like ask him for something expensive. He always gets them cool things and he keeps forgetting my birthdays and such but honestly. . . .well. . . . actually hurts a lot to have it thrown in your face every year just how much he loves them more than me but i don't care. I don't want fake gifts with hidden agendas just to make them feel better about them selves. They just rub my nose in all there "generosity". I can't wait to be done with these people. My sister got me some good gifts but now she is making me get her gifts. I had planned on going to the mall and letting her pick out something awesome from Spencers but it stings that the choice was taken from me. That she is making me do it out of guilt. Now I hope you like a shopping spree at the Dollar store. Mwahahahahaha! No, I couldn't do that but I wish I could. My mom would get all mad. She has a painfully obvious control disorder. She controls everything. I would hate to be so far up everyone's butt that she knows everything. Or at least she thinks so. She says she always tells the truth but that is the biggest lie she tells us. I hate how much she cares about what other people think. "Its all about presentation, honey" God those words couldn't make me more mad! Sometimes she reminds me of the villain from Tangled. "Now I'm the bad guy." My mother also got me a pair of matching BLUE gloves with scarf, the kind of candy I don't like, granny panties, socks, and a black hat she got both me and my sister. No lilies. . . . . again. I hate the holidays. . . </3
                                                             Love,
                                                               Painfully Confussed
Mood: Dissapionted
Song: Santa's Pissed by Motionless In White
Book: Staked

My Friend Jack Put This On My Wall. :)

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=8202636&blogID=457358097

Relationships

Dear, Tru
Its about 8:30 at night. I left Bob's house. I am at my grand parents house in Springdale.He makes me so sad. Another of his relationships has fallen through. He has been married a ridiculous amount of times. But that's everyone in my  family. My mother and my sisters father have been married 5 times each. My uncle has been 3 and even my grand father was married twice. I hold no value in relationships. I never plan on marrying. If they love me enough to want to marry me for forever then they should be able to do that without that stupid piece of paper that people put so much value in. Okay not people but women mostly. Obviously neither parts puts enough value in it that they would actually keep their promises. God every time I go to another one I laugh a little more inside. And the worst part is most the time these people actually believe what there saying. They think they will love that person next to them for the rest of there lives. I can barely commit to a cell phone plan for two years let alone forever. God that is just such an unimaginable amount of time that people just over use like some pretty whore you dress up to make you feel like your in a relationship. It looks nice and even sounds right but its not what you think its going to be. Its not real. Its just dirty. And I hate roses. They are the whore flower. Everyone uses them for everything.I hate them. I absolutely love white lilies. They are my favorite flowers but no one has ever gotten them for me.  :( Once my grand father wins the lottery i will by tons of them. All over my room.

Some Junk

Dear, Tru
Well good morning beautiful! Yes i realize it's 2 in the afternoon but I'm a bit of a night owl. It is now winter break so no school. I can wake up when ever I want! Now I just moved into my new house. I wont say where because this is the internet and you never know when some creeper in the corner with pimples, 60s porno mustache, a back problem that makes him sit all crouched over the computer, reseeding black hair line, and breathes all hard as he looks through his super thick glasses at the computer screen will randomly happen upon my blog and feel the need to find me and kill because i remind him of some girl he liked in high school but she hated him because he likes to stomp puppies in his free time. Not that I'm paranoid or have watched way to many scary movies or anything but one can never be to careful. Any who I was talking about my move. I can tell you I moved from Oklahoma a year ago and now I moved again. I'm still in the same state just a different city. My old school had some great people there. My school after that didn't have such great memories. Like that was the first place I got called a whore by a guys fiancée. I had never met her and I was new in town. He was nice but not a very pretty man not ugly just not pretty and very country. I hate country music but he was nice and he kept making me feel all pretty and such. i had actually told him no when he asked me out but he was still nice and such so i agreed to go to a movie but the weekend before i went to the mall with some friends I had just recently met and one of the girls had know him since 5th grade. She texted him to ask what he thought of me because I told her he asked me out and she had never liked him. His fiancée answered and said I was a slut and such. Trust me that really freaked me out! Of course I put on a brave face and pretended it was just so funny but inside it really hurt. She didn't even know me. How could she say such things about a stranger? And I have horribly low self esteem as it is and this kinda through me over the bridge. I am from a small town in Oklahoma. Very small. I had maybe 200 in my entire high school. My new school had 1000 in there graduating class. And it had a lot of  African American (A.A.) almost 90% of them. Also a lot of Latino. And there were like 10 Asian people Smiles. And I love weird stuff. It just draws me. I love Asian eyes. I love long hair and make up. I am bisexual by the way so when I say such things I mean on both men and women. I love accents. I love big lips. And just so many things I cant name off the top of my head but there are so beautiful! I would date a strange secretive shadowy person before a normal depth-less jock. I love trying to understand someones thought process and thats why i love blogs. A person just dumps the whole truth into the keyboard for everyone to read. I want to get lost in someones inter most thoughts that are so different from mine. Wow i kinda ran around with my writing but maybe it will be more structured later. I'm only a junior in high school after all. :)
                                                      Love,
                                                          Painfully Comfussed
Mood: Estranged
Song of the day: I'm not a Vampire by Falling in Reverse.

Book: "The Big Blue Book"

Trying something new. Introduction.

 Dear, Tru
Now I think I'm going to try something different. This is going to be a real blog now. I read a random blog because I was looking for a photo for my background and it was attached to it and it just inspired me to let it flow. Before now I just put some of my um. . . I guess you could call them poems? It was just wrote some things that sounded good in my head. I know have a laptop I got for my birthday/Christmas from my sisters dad (I'm sure ill have whole little rant about him later) and I used to have a diary type thing but that's so old school right? Plus every time I left home and kept my old one there I feel like I was going to have a panic attack because I'll think my mom will find it and read it so I'm done with all that jazz. Now I'm totally computerized even though I'm severely technologically challenged. Oh and just so you know I have a large vocabulary but am in short supply of spelling talents so you may be guessing at what half my words are, even spell check is like "Dude are you retarded or just drooling on the keyboard?", thank god for Dictionary.com or you'd think i was speaking another language. Anyway you should also know I kinda get off topic easily but that's everyone these days. Some say distracted others demented but who's to judge right? I have no subscribers and I don't really plan on having any any time soon, but I mean if you like it don't feel shy I like to know I'm not alone in my thinking, anyway this is kinda just for me to go back and look at myself and try to you know understand some of the goings on inside my head. Also i have like the worst memory in the planet so it just helps me to be reminded of whats happened to make this screwed up teenager into the future mindless drone we all know I will be. These are addressed to Tru. Hes is a mystery maybe I will complain about later to shed so light on the subject but for now think of him as that sexy stranger in the shadows with a good heart and a butt load of issues you know deep down you want to help with!!! Tata for now my love.


                                                  Love,
                                                         Painfully Confussed

HATE YOU!

I hate you. I hate you so much I can feel the fires of hell burning in my frozen heart. I can’t see past it. My surroundings fall away much like before but now all I want is you to feel my pain. I will expose you.  The entire world will know what you have done. They will spit and laugh at how pathetic you are. That hurting others weaker than you makes you feels strong. I want your blood on my hands. I want to rip out your heart and show it to you. I want you to die slowly and painfully a thousand different ways, to relive every painful thing you’ve done to other from their point of view. I want you to drown in the tears, we the hurt, have shed for u. I want u to sit alone in darkness with all our pain and embarrassment. Ur lying mouth will be sown shut with poison needles so your lips burn as much as your deceit has burned us. U will understand nothing else but what you yourself have causes to so many. I want you to choke on all the hearts you crushed under your feet. I want you to feel my hate inside you. I want it to eat you from the inside out. In the darkness I want all the things you hold dear ripped to pieces right in front of you. I will force you to watch and feel it deep inside you. Your prized beauty will me morphed into something so monstrous even seasoned whores run in fear of catching your disease. Your sword that ripped away so many virgins’ happiness and freedom will rot off slow and painfully to a bleeding puss filled gangly thing not fit for your uses. U will be violated over and over by your disgusting sword. You scream and scream but no one will help one such as you. You are nothing to everyone. Even the concept of love will be cruelly torn from you. Your wealth will fallow you to hell but will help u not. Mountains of gold will surround you as demons dance in your entrails. I want u to relive it over and over until it is all u know.  U will understand how truly worthless u are.

Prince Of Colors

She kept whispering in my ear. In the darkness that surrounded me I heard it. So familiar but unplacable. Like a forgotten memory poking at the surface. Hurry. . . Please hurry. . . . Faster.  All her words were muffled and broken. I made my legs move faster. her voice grew slightly louder. It pushed me on. I felt her urgency. I need to be there. Someone needs me. The black sludge pulled me down. It hurts. I force myself on. I see a light. A single flickering flame at the end of my abyss.. Faster. Faster. Faster. . . Faster. . . . Faster. I push forward. So strange. As i get closer it becomes bigger. The darkness flees in the face of the light. I am close. A mirror. It is a white clear full length mirror. Angelic carvings frame the edges. I stare at the empty glass. Do I not exist? Touch it. The voice is relieved but nervous. I run my finger along the exterior of the glass. An image appears. Its me only not me. She looks like me but something is off. Her ballerina dress is white. Her shoes, even her flowers in her hair, are white. A bright contrast to my dark. Her hair is still white with my clear eyes, but as I move she does not. Her face is streaked with tears and her hands tremble. Her voice swirls around me like a symphony in the wind. I need you. Please come. Hurry I cant do anything. Only you. . . . I step closer. I place my hand on the glass. Some of the agony in her gaze fell away as she grabbed by hand and pulled me inside the looking glass. Color flew around me as it replaced my darkness. The rainbow seemed to swallow me up in a cocoon of colors the spit me out on the forest floor. She was nowhere to be seen. Panic swelled up as I untangled myself from my skirts and stood on the grass. But the panic dissipated and the beauty around confused me. So many colors I didn’t know. Please help him! He needs you now. Go to him. . . . I began down the path through the forest. So enchanting. Plants grow up and around each other. Twirling themselves like the softest fabrics in intricate patterns impossible to duplicate. Everything is connected and in abundance. Gorgeous flowers with amazing smells peek through all the flush plants and spread there powerful presence. I am entranced by the beauty. Maybe I should rest for a bit under a tree. Stare this strange world and uncover it secrets. My limbs tire and slow. I am so very tired. Or perhaps a nap would be nice. Don’t stop. . . . . . Go to him. . . Be with him for us. . . . I cant stop now. I run forward. Its not so beautiful here anymore. The secrets I coveted no longer hold any appeal. The dark corners are so scary but familiar like a dark room awaking my return. Still I feel fear. What hides in wait there? Creatures that hold no name? Unknown to all except it victims. Do not fear the unknown. . . . Just press on. . . I must find him. I walk further and further. Down this turn and that. Around in circles I don’t know. Doubt wayed me down. Then the trees open up and I saw him. Under a tall weeping willow with flowers over grown around his body. So handsome and peaceful. He seemed like he could be asleep. But it is an unnatural sleep of one under something sinister. Time seemed suspended around him. The bed of ivory wrapped around his body seemed to be pulling him in. He cant realize what trouble he is in. You don’t understand the trouble he’s in. . . .save him please. . . He needs you. . . But what do I do? How do I save him? I don’t even understand what’s happened to him. How is someone from the darkness like me to help this prince of colors? Embrace your darkness. . . You are the only one who can save him. . . . Embrace yourself for who you are. . . . Princess. I am a princess. The words chassed themselves around in my head. I kneel beside him and hold his cold almost dead hands. What must I do? I look at the brilliant colors surrounding me. What must I do? The voice is silent. She says nothing. A sweet smelling breeze gently plays with my hair. I stare at his face. What must I do? His lips mesmerize me and I lean close. I can almost feel him pull me in. a power more than me or him pushed us together. As my lips touch his I feel his deep intake of breath. I pull back. Fear chokes me but then I look into is dark beautiful green eyes. Thank you. . . He says as he hugs me close. In his eternal embrace I feel peace settle in my heart. . . . .

Dark Self

I feel true hate as u steal my words and shove yours down my throat. I choke on the bile your self-righteous words force up. I can’t breathe. I burn as your lies fall from my lips. Black as Satan’s sins is the stain over me. The blackness crawls over my skin and seeps deep into me. Pain blooms in my chest and my heart is expelled from my body. I feel the pulse slow to a stop and see the pleasure on your face as the fight drains from me. My humanity is torn from me with my heart. You spur me on and drive my dark self forward. I have nothing left. I have no reason to fight. I understand that you are wrong, but I no longer feel the kindling of hope in my heartless body. I see nothing. I am blind to you and your false pain.

Little Lost Princess

There once was a beautiful princess born in a marvelous castle. She was loved very much. One day she escaped the castle into the dark dense forest surrounding it. She ran and ran. She was happy with her freedom, but soon she realized she was lost, and she could not return to her castle. For inside her castle was the world.

Her Servant.

Her voice. Her voice.  Her voice. It won’t leave my mind. It flies around like a black butterfly trapped in a jar. She dances the dance of a worriless creature. Plays with fire in the corners of my mind toying around with my sanity and sense of normalcy. Making my soul flame higher and more dangerously with every sing song word she speaks. Making my senses sharp and dull at the same time. She fills me. Making the world bright and wonderful when she is near. Making it morbid and dark as she draws away. I can’t concentrate on anything but her. Her hand in mine. Her whisper in my ear. The love beaming in her eyes. I feel at peace as her blade in driven into my loving heart and her poison lips touch mine. The black wings crack and shatter into a million glittering diamonds. I close my eyes with a smile on my face. Her will be done for I am a servant to a kind word in a gentle voice. . .

My Wishing Star

I see her home in the stars. Universes away. Everything in the sky between us. But her smiles are still only for me. She would play on the moon as I watch. And I will wait for her hand to reach for mine again. I wait for a time when we will travel through space once more on shooting stars as we dance the night away. Planets zoom by and my cares are thrown in the wind. My tears dry and my spirit is free. A true freedom I had never before known. I have no worries, no fear, no pain. All the horrors of the real world are left on the ground. Endlessness engulfs us; silence and serenity are our only companions. We swim in the sea of stars and I know I am no longer forsaken. Soon though comes the sun and her beauty is burnt away. I awake in my bed alone. Every morning I wonder if she is a dream and every night I know she is mine. She will forever wonder the skies as I am grounded. I miss her every day. I know I can’t stay in her sky and the pain of my earth is too much. . .

My China Doll

My body is broken, bloody, and torn. The elderly doll makers hands shake unsteadily, his soul burdened with dark tasks he has to fulfill. His usual calm indifference has fled with the dieing wind. The coldness in his eyes and heart left those who once cared for him in a frozen wasteland of resentment and broken promises. His warmth once was only for me. He put his heart into my keeping. But my body was his plaything, his favorite pastime, he plucked my strings, and made my spirit dance. Then one day long ago, when he was young, he came to me and there was anger in his eyes but I did not understand for it had never been there before. He cut my ties to him and through me away. Finality in his gaze as he left everything behind. So I ran. I ran the other direction until the beauty of my surroundings took my breath away. I had never been outside his home. I learned what ugliness truly looked like. But I also saw things so amazing that wont be seen by many others. I am overjoyed to have seen such things but before everything was splintered into pieces I only knew the joy of being with him. Curiosity is ever my down fall and I wanted to know why he did this to me. That question stayed in the back of my mind for years, never far from the surface.  Iv seen all there is to see but my yearning is ever for a home that is no longer there. Now I have come back for he is the only one who can fix me. I look at him and see how time has aged his outside and how it hasn’t mine. Everything I have been through has left its mark on my once perfect body except time. Shame courses through me but his eyes only hold fear and concern as my wounds openly bleed onto his carpet. The place looked the same and still different. I felt the urge to cry but I am incapable of drawing tears. All my strength is put into not screaming as his needle tears into me over and over. Then the thread breaks and I am perfect again on the outside. After he looks at me and finally after all this time I feel warm and right again. I forgave him for what he had done. On our insides nothing had changed. We hold each other close as I feel his thread break this time. . .

My Pieces. . .

You did it. You broke me. You with your words succeed where others have failed. And u don’t even understand what you’ve done. The pain of being unneeded, unwanted, and not worth the effort. Just stop and let me go. Stop toying with me and giving me false hope. Stop with the lies and the forced fake feelings you know I want but can never truly receive. You have pushed the ever unsteady balance of my heart until it crashed and broke before your laughing eyes. The pieces cut into my weak outer skin as it shatters on the unforgiving floor. I can never be the same for you have stolen the vital pieces I need to put my heart back together. Like a thief in the moonlight you came with false love in your voice and all my long forgotten dreams in your eyes. Just leave me back in the floor wear you found me. For you have shown me what I never new I really wanted and now I can no longer just settle for my lot in life. But I can not fight for better because I am unfit for battle. So leave me now with my broken heart and let me die with my pieces.